Selama ni saya malas nak buat entry pasal ni sebab saya rasa, kalau orang yang tak faham mesti akan rasa apa yang saya akan ceritanya ni : melebih-lebih, mengada-ngada, kalau dan anti social tu takyahla nak justify, or mcm freak. Haha boleh takkk banyak betul negative things dalam mind bila nak open up how I really feel.
But after years of able to manage my 'different' self, kali ni saya ready nak tulis. WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME. Saya pun perasan ramai jugak introverts macam saya, yang rasa something 'wrong' dengan diri mereka, thus makes people like us feel kurang confident, rasa loser, rasa teruk sebab tak pandai bersosial. Disebabkan saya pernah lalui benda tu, jadi marilah saya share journey saya.
STORIES
THE BEGINNING
Asalnya dulu saya nak buat bisnes Herbalife sebab:1. Nak jadi surirumah yang kaya. Duduk rumah, lipat baju, duit banyak. Hahah.
2. Nak jadi kaya usia muda.
3. Time freedom. Takde boss, masa saya untuk saya sendiri atur.
Ni reasons saya nak jadi Herbalife Coach dulu. So saya pun kerja kerja kerja. Time tu tak perasan pun introverts ke extroverts ke tak tahu pun istilah tu. Yang saya tahu, saya ada natural bi*ch face, muka sombong dan serious yang membuatkan orang takut nak dekati. At least itu apa yang orang ramai bgtau saya la based on their first impression.
Waktu ni pun saya dah ada perangai cepat nangis dalam crowded place (Herbalife events). Saya ingat saya kuat nangis. Saya akan sedih tanpa sebab kalau berada dalam crowded place tanpa kawan. Okey, mcm pelik betul minah ni. Whatever la saya tak fikir apa-apa time tu. Rasa mengada-ngada je.
So 5 years later, Alhamdulillah dengan izin Allah saya kecapi impian saya untuk jadi SURIRUMAH BERDUIT, KERJA KAT RUMAH, TAKDE BOSS. Tanpa sedar level saya dalam Herbalife pun dah capai antara position tertinggi di Malaysia, Presidents Team.
THAT ENDLESS AWKWARD FEELING AFTER ACHIEVING PRESIDENTS TEAM
Lepas jadi Presidents Team, waktu tu crowd Herbalife semakin mengenali saya. Orang tegur kat mana-mana, dalam Herbalife event orang tegur, orang excited nampak, orang nak ambik gambar tanpa putus. Mula-mula saya boleh la berlakon, walaupun selalu fail jugak. Mesti jadi mcm sombong jugak. Tapi makin lama tu makin stress. T__T Sebab saya cuba nak jadi friendly macam mana pun, saya akan end up stress dan letih sangat sampai muka bi*ch face saya pun muncul. Hahah. Adoiii.And really, endless senyum dan berbual kosong dengan orang yang saya tak kenali atau tak kenal sangat ni sangat exhausting. Saya rasa saya mcm overused, stress, worn out. Penat sangat setiap kali balik dari crowded place.
Saya tahu ada orang rasa saya sangat sombong, espescially yang approached saya waktu-waktu yang tak berapa sesuai hehe. Saya cuba tau tp makin lama makin stress. Last sekali saya fikir,
"I didn't work hard in Herbalife to become a celebrity. I just want to be a successful housewife." T__T
YEARS Of SELF BLAMING
Ofcourse, saya tak salahkan sesiapa. Waktu tu saya fikir,"I should be more friendly."
"I am a bad person sebab tak boleh nak be nice sangat dengan stranger."
"I should be more like this person, sangat mesra."
"I should learn to be a better leader by being good at mingling around."
"This is my responsibility as a leader."
Ye, saya rasa saya orang yang tak baik, not nice, sebab tak pandai buat baik dengan orang. I told myself those things everytime. Makin lama saya makin negative, makin cepat sedih, makin unstable, makin fragile, makin tak firm, makin weak. I was so weak, it affected my work :(. Because I was trying to be someone else other than me, kan.
BACA BUKU : INTENTIONAL LEADESHIP by Jane A.G. Kise.
Saya highlight saya perenggan di bawah kenapa saya pilih buku ni.Most executives lead with a purpose. Yet many lack self-knowledge, failing to recognize the limitations that accompany their strengths. They drive forward too boldly, unwittingly creating the potential for one slip or bump along the way to diminish their work and the respect of those they lead. That lack of self-knowledge may threaten a once-promising career.
Intentional leaders, however, learn to focus not only on what they plan to accomplish, but how they will lead others to get there. They examine their strengths and identify their weaknesses. In this process, they become the kind of leaders employees want to follow. First though, they need to understand how to reach that point.
In Intentional Leadership: 12 Lenses for Focusing Strengths, Managing Weaknesses, and Achieving Your Purpose, Jane A. G. Kise introduces the 12 Lenses for Leadership—a framework developed from extensive research on personality type and emotional intelligence that offers a meta-analysis of the essential tasks and attitudes of successful leaders.
Through these lenses, you will learn:How personality type informs decision makingHow to identify and then compare your strengths and values to good leadership practiceHow to identify your potential weaknesses and blind spotsHow to use your strengths and weaknesses to optimize your leadership styleWith a provocative analysis and yet clear guidance,simple framework, Intentional Leadership helps you align your purpose and actions to achieve your true potential as a leader.
Basically, buku ni menjanjikan ia membantu saya mengenali dan menggunakan STRENGTH dan WEAKNESS saya, dan juga individual dalam team saya. Anyway, waktu tu saya tengah focus diri saya, sebab saya rasa loser sangat time tu. Saya pun baca buku tu untuk identify apa strength dan apa weaknesses saya.
MENGENALI DIRI SENDIRI
Dari buku (penulisannya agak academic writing sikit, maybe boring untuk yang tak minat membaca tapi sangat awesome bagi saya), saya belajar- siapa saya
- apa kekuatan saya
- apa kelemahan saya
- apa cara terbaik untuk saya deal dengan diri sendiri
- apa cara terbaik untuk saya berjayakan diri sendiri
Yes buku tu sangat detail, it explains how you coach yourself!
And this is what I learnt about myself:
1. I am an INTROVERTS. Introverts is my stronger mental strength. (introverts pun ada 8 jenis, so just because you are introverts too, doesn't mean we are the same)
2. Serious, quietly forceful, persevering
3. Concern with work that will help in the world and inspire others
4. I am at my best when caught up in inspiration and creating ways to empower self and others to lead more meaningful lives.
5. Reserved outer life, spontaneous inner life
6. Planning ways to help people improve
7. Seeing complexities and hidden meaning
8. Planful, independent, academic learning
9. Being restrained, careful, and planning in outward action
10. Aligning work with a standard of perfection
11. Pursuing and clarifying my standard of perfection
12. Taking long view
13. Concentrate on how my development goals will benefit others
14. Need quiet atmosphere and minimal interruption to form best ideas
15. Focus on single question or goal
Dari point-point diatas, saya sedar, saya telah spend terlalu banyak masa dan tenaga untuk cuba menjadi 'friendly' dan 'spontaneous' dan 'mesra', saya telah tolak tepi semua kekuatan diri saya. T__T
I have so many strength!! (We all do). From this book, I understood that I can change so many things around me, help more people, and earn more money, by using my brain and heart more, instead of trying to be friendly and nice.
So sejak tu, saya pun buang semua misconception tentang diri saya, saya terima diri saya seadanya no matter how weird I can be, and focus my energy on really really utilizing my strength as stated above.
Lepas tu saya jadi lebih tenang dan tak pemarah dah Alhamdulillah. :)
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME
Setiap orang tu berbeza, even introverts pun tak semua sama. Let me walk you through it, how I feel and what I see, bila di dalam crowded place :(Maybe some of you rasa saya over, atau mengada-mengada, trust me - we tried. And still trying)
1. Saya sentiasa jalan tunduk, sebab my first instinct is to always avoid eye contact, a smile, and a conversation. Kalau saya angkat kepala, nampak muka yang saya kenal, saya akan terus tegur orang tu supaya saya 'selamat dari orang lain'. Berbual dengan orang yang saya kenal adalah zone selamat saya.
2. The moment ada orang senyum je, saya okey je senyum balik tapi akan cepat-cepat cari jalan keluar untuk avoid conversation. Sebenarnya saya tak tahu nak buat apa. Imagine red alert dalam mind saya. *RED ALERT RED ALERT!! A STRANGER IS SMILING!!*. Then you prayed, "Please don't come to me please don't come to me."
3. Bila orang cakap "Hi" dan mula bersembang, saya boleh bersembang sikit jugak, tapi otak saya tengah ligat fikir:
apa cara yang betul untuk berbual?
nak cakap apa lg?
apa yang betul apa yang salah?
Macam mana nak bersembang dengan orang ek?
Am I making my natural bi*ch face? I hope not. Because I'm trying my best to be nice here.
At the same time saya akan cari 'exit' way dari conversation tu sebab saya dah penat fikir semua soalan diatas.
Tapi ada jenis orang yang boleh buat saya instantly selesa jugak. Memang powerla orang jenis ni. Manusia tu ada yang akan melengkapi, so ada juga stranger yang terus buat saya rasa masuk safe area.
4. Saya sentiasa takut tersalah cakap, dan saya akan fikir 3 hari tentang apa yang saya salah cakap tu. Kadang-kadang 3 tahun. Ye. Over kan. Saya pun menyampah dengan diri saya bab tu. Hahah. Sometimes bila ada flashback of the small talks I regretted, I was like, "Dude!! Dah 3 tahun kot!! Takkan nak play cerita sama lagi!!" *tutup tv*
5. Saya punya first instinct dalam crowded place juga adalah mencari orang yang saya kenal dan selesa. Saya akan letak anchor kat orang tu, duduk bersembang dengan dia sorang je supaya saya boleh avoid orang lain. Heheh. Ampun yeee.
6. Usually lepas balik dari crowded place, saya kena ambil masa 3 hari untuk reset mind. Saya akan confuse, rasa diri saya salah, rasa semua yang saya buat salah. Jadi selalu saya kena ada private quiet alone moment beberapa hari untuk kukuhkan balik vision saya, dan jelas balik apa saya perlu buat.
Semua keadaan diatas tidak berlaku sekiranya anda kawan saya. Jadi kalau saling mengenali tak kiralah kenal 100% media sosial je tak pernah jumpa, atau pernah jumpa, saya akan automatik selesa je.
Bila saya selesa, saya pun cakap tak berhenti. Hehehe.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
Few extroverted friends tanya, macam mana nak buat orang macam kami selesa?- Tak perlu buat apa-apa pun. Kami selesa je dengan apa cara orang sekali pun.
- Just JANGAN JUDGE kami, dan jangan nasihat kami untuk berubah.
"You should go out more often"
"You should meet more people more often"
"You should.....??"
- Don't judge us, don't try to change us
- Just like how we don't expect you to change, we don't ask you to shut up, and we don't judge you for being
- Just be yourself. Because most of the time, I am comfortable being around extrovert friends. I feel safe, I don't have to create conversation (since you conquer it all, which is awesome for me), and I don't have this extreme tiredness due to post-conversation-effect because you did all the talking.
- the thing is, semua orang jadi diri sendiri je dan jangan harapkan orang lain berubah. DONE. SEMUA PUN BAHAGIA KALAU MCM TU.
MY ADVICE TO FELLOW INTROVERTS
- Being an introverts is not an excuse for us to fail at something. Because sometimes we misunderstood ourselves."Oh aku introverts so aku takkan berjaya buat benda tu."
- Don't be like "Introverts and proud" kalau takde value untuk dibanggakan pun. Pendek kata, jangan syok sendiri.
- Despite being an introverts and socially awkward, always try our best to put value in ourself and in other people (our own ways). Being introverts does not mean we have the right to be selfish and syok sendiri sepanjang masa. We have our own ways to raise our value - so work being a person with value.
- We have many strength: GREAT WRITING, MAKING SPEECH, STRONG IDEAS, STRONG FOCUS, WORK SILENTLY, STRONG STRUCTURED ACTION PLAN, CREATIVE, GOOD FRIEND. and many more. Focus on those instead of our socially awkward weakness.
- Don't beat yourself up if you think you're socially awkward. You are not a problem, you are not a disease, you are not 'wrong', you are not a freak. You're just you. :)
- When someone ask you to change, focus on your strength.
