Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Cabaran Kahwin Muda?

Bismillah.

Hampir 5 tahun berkahwin, masih ramai yang search tentang cabaran kahwin muda sampai ke blog aku. Ada juga yang contact bertanya. Rasa dah tua betul nak cerita bab ni. Heheh. Since aku dah delete banyak blog entry sebelum ni, I'll write it down again one last time. Adik-adik yang nak kahwin tu bolehla dapat something from my experience.

Tentang kahwin ini adalah ketentuan Allah. Jangan ikut-ikutkan orang. That strong desire to have a husband and a man for me to rely to, itu pun dari Allah. Aku tidak bercinta dengan suamiku sebelum kahwin, dan aku bukanlah berkahwin dengannya kerana cinta. I choose marriage, not love. The term "With of without you, I'll move on" dan "If you're not serious I'll go find someone else". I didn't choose marriage because I love him (although Allah did put in my heart a strong love for him but that doesn't make me break my principle). So I did not afraid to lose him.

Dan untuk dia, yang ketika itu hanyalah seorang lelaki yang diperkenalkan kepada aku, dia juga memiliki prinsip yang sama. "One day you maybe or may not be my wife. And if we are to marry someone else, it is unfair for our future partner that we talk unnecessarily on phone tonight."

We felt the strong feeling. We knew we love each other. But we were both hard on ourselves, we choose principles, we choose the rules over love.

So before you ask about the "Cabaran kahwin muda", understand our background. We didn't love each yet. You might wanna know, because our challenges might be different.


KENAPA KAHWIN MUDA?

Secara jujurnya, aku hanya boleh katakan Allah meletakkan satu perasaan yang kuat untuk berkahwin usia muda.


1. Bina Kehidupan Awal

Bila mencecah usia 19 tahun, aku mula rasa rimas dengan these 'friendship' stuffs. There's nothing wrong with my friends. There's something wrong with me. Rimas dengan keadaan hidup yang waktu tu my biggest problem is quizzes and exams. Again there's nothing wrong with tha kind of life, Allah memang tentukan hidup kita lain perjalanannya. Dan aku, merasakan kehidupan universiti itu terlalu kecil untuk apa yang kita mampu capai. Usia 20 tahun, tidak sepatutnya dibaziri dengan tekanan exam, assignments, cinta, dan sebagainya. Life is suppose to be bigger than this.

This is where many students will go for organisations dan clubs and etc.

I go for Herbalife. And the desire to build a family.


2. Business vision

I was so serious with my Herbalife business, that I don't want my future husband to miss the roller coaster ride of a business. I thought, if I made it alone, it would be harder for both of us. If he is to be my king, he has to go through the challenges together with me.

So Alhamdulillah, my husband arrived just on time. And we went through the ride together.

So another thing you need to know, since both of us menjalankan perniagaan Herbalife sebelum kami berkahwin lagi, we don't have financial problem. Our income when we got married was RM5,000. Alhamdulillah.


So kenapa anda nak kahwin muda? Masing-masing ada sebab masing-masing, but know that this isn't just about having this halal lovey dovey thing in your life, because marriage is so much more than just love. Berfikiran jauh. Marriage, it's NOT AN EASY THING to go through.


CABARAN KAHWIN MUDA

1. Kewangan

Zaman dulu susah nak buat part time income. Sekarang ni dah macam-macam cara nak berniaga online. Anda 18 tahun pun anda boleh buat side income dah. Jadi sebelum anda kahwin, rancang dulu finance anda macam mana. Rancang berdua, supaya kita tahu mental pasangan kita macam mana. 

Kalau dia lelaki yang tiada rancangan kewangan selepas kahwin, sila tinggalkannya serta merta. Heheh. Serious lah. Ini kahwin dengan cinta buta. Lepas kahwin menjaja satu dunia suami tak provide for family, malas, tak kerja, etc. Siapa yang nak kahwin dengan dia?

In some cases, parents are willing to support them until finish study, ada jugak yang solely bergantung kepada biasiswa/PTPTN.

We did sit down together and list kan all costs of living.

Aku juga jadi transparent ketika itu, berterus terang kepadanya "Saya high maintenance, and I'm not willing to cut it down."- it sounds selfishly silly, but it's better than you give him the surprise of your spending character. Ada isteri yang berubah jadi jimat, ada yang memilih merangka perniagaan macam kami. It's the couple's choice, kena suit dengan solution. Kalau suami takde perniagaan besar, janganlah bebankannya dengan terus menjadi high maintenance. . So isteri bijak akan berubah. Yang tak oke bila tak transparent. Tau-tau je nak minta macam-macam. Terkejut laki hang.


2. Parents tak izinkan kahwin

Ini adalah cabaran ramai orang. Parents yang salah? No... In every aspects of life, kita akan dicabar dengan sesuatu. Dari sudut kahwin awal, rejection is the challenge. Harunginya sambil matangkan diri. Ada sebab kerana  Allah tetapkan ibu bapa anda membangkang keputusan anda.

Bila anda mengharunginya, anda berjaya mendapat keizinan mereka, then you earn it.

Because marriage is NOT AN EASY THING, kalau nak usahakan keizinan ibu bapa pun tak boleh diselesaikan dengan matang, macam mana nak selesaikan masalah lepas kahwin yang semestinya jauh lebih besar? Anggap sahaja ia training ground.

In details of how to solve this? Memang takde. Sorry but life doesn't come with manual. Lain orang lain sangat-sangat perjalanannya, dan solutionnya tak sama.

In most cases, kahwin awal ini diluluskan ibu bapa apabila si anak, after months of process, kelihatan lebih matang, atau dapat kumpul duit untuk buktikan pada ibu bapa, atau membuat satu pujukan finale yang memang gempak. Macam-macamlah cerita kawan-kawan aku. Kiranya, rejection by parents is normal.


3. Menyeimbangkan dengan pelajaran

Dah kata kahwin muda, pasti kebanyakannya masih belajar. Dahla nak kena buat side income, kena belajar pulak. I don't think it's a challenge at all. I mean... if your attitude, priority, time management memang kurang baik, kahwin atau tidak, keputusan akademik anda tetap akan terganggu. I think it's very unfair for people to blame certain things if their academic result kurang baik, because our result relies on who we are, what we love to do, and our focus in life. Melainkan external challenges yang kita tak boleh kawal seperti war, sakit, or etc..

The only challenge here is managing our priority, EQ. Be clear of your choice. If you love to study and excel, then manage your time on your focus.

Hakikatnya, lebih ramai yang lebih excel dalam pelajaran selepas berkahwin. 

Jika anda takut kahwin itu mengganggu pelajaran, jawapannya anda je yang tahu. Because marriage, sama seperti duit, it doesn't change you. It makes someone show who they really are. Yang pandai makin pandai. Yang malas makin malas. Yang berani semakin berani.


4. Tiada bajet kenduri

Faktor ini bergantung kepada parents pasangan. Yang lebih simple itu lebih baik, tapi mak ayah nak simpan muka kat mana pula kalau nikah anaknya simple. Tapi bab kahwin muda, memang biasa dah pasangan kahwin muda ini nikahnya simple, melainkan ibu bapa berkeras nak majlis besar-besar.

Ni kena banyak bincang dengan mak ayah. Again, life doesn't come with manual. Ada pasangan yang aku kenal, berhempas pulas bekerja dalam perniagaan Herbalife untuk kumpul duit kahwin. Ada pula pasangan lain dengan keringnya menjalankan nikah yang kosnya hanya RM5000 or less, dan fokus kepada kehidupan selepas nikah. Kerana duit itu lebih diperlukan selepas daripada sebelum. Ada pula pasangan yang make it clear to their parents that if they want something grand they use their money, sebab yang wajibnya untuk pasangan pengantin itu hanyalah nikah. Macam-macam cerita. Anda buatlah cerita anda sendiri. Lain orang lain latar belakangnya, jadi lainlah perjalanan hidupnya.


5. Cabaran Mematangkan Diri

Ini cabaran selepas kahwin. Continuous learning sampai bila-bila. Kita sentiasa ada dalam fasa berkenalan dengan pasangan kita. Banyakkan berdoa kerana bimbingan Allah itulah paling utama.

Banyak benda aku nak highlight buat isteri-isteri, perlu menjadi bijak. Aku tak tahu nak highlight apa lelaki, sebab aku bukan lelaki. Tapi isteri, BE WISE. 


KEPADA ISTERI

A. Our husband is our reflection. If you find some of his attitude unacceptable, think about how YOU CHANGE YOURSELF. He will become better when you change. I don't know about other wives, but this is frankly from my experiences. 

I used to try to change him. Biasala kan pasangan baru kahwin dok ada unrealistic expectations. Arguments after arguments, fight after fight, forgiveness after forgiveness, I learnt that he eventually changed after I learn to become a better wife. It's kinda like a gift from Allah, it has nothing to do with him at all, when you become better, then you unwrap the better version of your husband. 

In 4 months time InsyaAllah we will celebrate our 5 years anniversary. There's nothing that I wanna change about my husband, but there's many things I wanna change on myself. 

I was talking to my parents yesterday, about the things they (my parents) hated most about my attitude, that for 21 years of living with them they have to deal with that bad attitude of me. I remembered the look at my dad's face, annoyed with me, but 21 years pun tak boleh ubah! It's funny, it took my husband just 1-2 years to break that. LOL. 

My husband is my best tarbiyyah. Tarbiyyah means "proses pengembangan dan bimbingan, meliputi jasad, akal, dan jiwa, yang dilakukan secara berkelanjutan". It's not because he purposely wants to tarbiyyah me, but it's from Allah. My husband is my best tarbiyyah from Allah. 


B. Ladies, don't go telling the world about your husband's weaknesses. 

You will not only destroy your marriage in the world, but you will also suffer in the hereafter. Why in the world you would do that to yourself?? Just be matured, and analyze what is it that you have to change. 

If you have problem with your husband, tell him. Not the world.

Anda mungkin fikir "Takkanla nak cerita keburukan suami kat orang lain." Realitinya, ramai isteri-isteri yang kurang matang akan luahkan keburukan suami kepada ramai orang sedangkan suaminya sendiri tak tahu apa masalah. Like seriously you think your husband is a mind reader, but with the world you can put it nicely in words apa yang you tak puas hati dengan suami you?

You may be in a temporary war, when you express to him how you feel.
Or it may hurt you more because he didn't seem to care even after you express how you feel. Or it may hurt you because he was so offended by your frankness and he argued back. And you thought, "BAIK TAK PAYAH CAKAP MACAM NI!!!"

It's not important how he react. It's important how you solve your marriage problems. And by telling him is the ONLY choice. 

Through times you will learn how to express in better ways. It takes time. But it's worth it. Macam saya cakap tadi maybe awal-awal akan bergaduh teruk because you are being frank, but after a while you learn how to talk to him, in ways that doesn't offend him and also in ways that will make him care. 

You can write letters, give text messages, edited movies, give songs, to tell him how bad you feel. It may sound like "Susahnyaa" or "Complicatednyaa". Alah for your marriage, give it extra efforts rather than you FACEBOOK or TWEET, or text someone else???? Doing complicated things to communicate with our spouse bukan sahaja membantu kita express perasaan kita terhadapnya, malah it create colours to our marriage. Kemainnn. Kalau dah suka sangat drama korea tu, apply la the drama in your life kan?


C. You are the first women your husband ever married to. (Hopefully last one too Ameen) The first one he ever commit himself so closely and seriously. So be patient if he's a little bit lacking in taking care of your very complicated and mengada-ngada feeling. If you want to be loved by him exactly the way you want it to be (not the way he understood about loving a women), then TEACH HIM. Bukannya complaining. 

Think about it, how could he know how to take care of a women's heart if you are the first one?

My husband always joked, "Ahah, Abang memang dah kahwin banyak kali kannn that I know all these stuffs."  and when he said that, I realised how special I am to be his first one, therefore I have to be patient in 'educating' him the ways of love I want him to show me. 


Of course in the end, there's only one solution to everything. ALLAH. PRAY. 

Perkongsian saya di sini terhad mengikut pengalaman saya sahaja. Lain orang lain cabarannya. Lastly, actually, nak tukar statement sikit, 

LIFE DO COMES WITH THE MANUAL, AND IT IS THE QURAN. 

Banyak cara Nabi-Nabi menyelesaikan masalah, banyak cara isteri-isteri handle suami yang diceritakan dalam Quran. Seek more. InsyaAllah, the manual will open itself to you if you seek for it. 

Selamat menjalani kehidupan mencabar buat bakal-bakal suami isteri. ;)
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